Habit 5: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
You Have Two Ears and one Mouth
Listen to people sincerely
When we listen with the intent to understand others, rather than with the intent to reply, we begin true communication and relationship building. Seeking to understand takes kindness; seeking to be understood Takes courage. Effectiveness lies in balancing the two.
The 5 poor listening styles
It's so typical of us to use one of these five poor listening styles:
1. Spacing out
•When someone is talking, we ignore people because our mind is wandering off in another galaxy
•Because we are caught up in our own thoughts, we cannot listen to what they are talking about.
2. Pretend Listening
•More common than “spacing out”
•Still not paying much attention
•Often we say, “yeah”, “uh-huh”, “cool” and “sounds great”
•But, the speaker will get the feeling that he/she is not important enough to be heard.
3. Word listening
•We actually pay attention to what someone is saying
•But, we listen only to the words (not body language or the true meaning)
•Thus, you miss out on what’s really being said.
4. Self-centered listening
•Happens when we see everything from our own point of view
•We want someone else to stand in our shoes
•Often we try to one-up each other, as if it was a competition
•We usually reply in three ways (judge, advise, probe)
5. Selective Listening
•Pay attention only to the part that interests us
•Because you only talk about what you like, there is a high chance that you’ll never develop lasting friendships.
Covey goes on to describe 5 different types of listening styles. Generally, we only use one of the first four however the 5th is the one that we should be using:
- Ignoring - The "La La La, I can't hear you" fingers in the ears school of listening
- Pretending - The "Uh huh, Oh really? That's nice" school of listening
- Selective Hearing - The "But I'm sure I heard you say..." school of listening
- Attentive - The "I know exactly how you feel, when that happened to me..." school of listening
- Empathic - The "And how does that make you feel*?" school of listening
Mimicking:
Mimicking is when someone repeats exactly what you are saying:
*Repeating words
*Using the same words
*Cold and indifferent.
*Cold and indifferent.
Mirroring:
Mirroring is when someone repeats something that you said but with differentes words:
*Repeating meaning
*Repeating meaning
*Using your own words
*Warm and caring
*Communication is the most important skill in life.
*If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me, you first need to understand me.
"Listen, or thy
tongue will make
thee deaf."
tongue will make
thee deaf."
When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something
To solve my problem,
You have failed me,
Strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.
Steps to Better Listening
o First, listen with your eyes, heart, and ears. – listening with your ears isn’t good
enough, because only 7 percent of communication comes from the words we
use. The rest comes from body language (53%) and the tone and feeling
reflected in our voice (40%). To hear what other people are really saying, you
need to listen to what they are not saying.
o Second, stand in their shoes. – You must try to see the world as others see it and
feel as they feel.
o Third, practice mirroring. – Reflect. Repeat back to the person what they just
said. It is not mimicking. Put it in your own words. This lets the person know
you understand what they are saying without judging or giving advice.
Communicating With Parents:
If you want to improve your relationships with Mom or Dad, try listening to them just like you
would a friend.
Many times teens think parents don’t understand them, but have you ever stopped to consider
that perhaps you don’t understand your parents?
If you take time to understand your parents, you will gain a greater respect for them and you
will get you way much more often.
How Can You Better Understand Your Parents:
Start by asking them some questions make a deposit into the Relationship Bank Account – Put yourself in their shoes and do something for them without being asked.
Personal Opinion
We think is really important to listen to others and also be heard by others. this helps us in life when we are missing something hard and give us some advice, you should know listen to advice because it can help us in life. Communicating with others helps us to be better and happier people.
Habit 6: SYNERGIZE
We can do so little; together we can do so much.
Hellen Keller
What's Synergize?
Work together to achieve more
Synergy is about producing a third alternative – not my way, not your way, but a third way that is better than either of us would have come up with individually. Synergistic teams and families thrive on individual strengths. They go for creative cooperation.
To better understand what synergy is, let's see what synergy is not.
SYNERGY IS: SYNERGY IS NOT:
Celebrating differences Tolerating differences
Team work Working independently
Open-mindedness Thinking you're always right
Finding new and better ways Compromise
Synergy is everywhere
Synergy is everywhere in the nature. Many plants and animald live together in symbiotic relationships. Synergy isn't anything new.
Celebrating Differences
Synergy doesn't just happen. It´s a process. you have to get there. And the foundation of getting there is this: Learn to celebrate differences.
When we geard the word diversity, we typically think of racial ands gender differences. But there is so much more to it, including differences in physical features, dress, language, wealth, family, and on and on.
We see them come.
We see them go.
Some are fast.
And some are slow.
Some are high.
And some are low.
Not one of them
is like another.
is like another.
Don't ask us why.
Go ask your mother.
Go ask your mother.
Since the diversity around you is ever increasing, you've got an importand decision to make regarding how you're going to handle it. There are three possible approaches you can take:
Level 1: Shun diversity
Level 2: Tolerate diversity
Level 3: Celebrate diversity
Shunner's Profile
People who avoid and fear are those who have fear of difference and change. These are people who do not adapt to change and therefore do not want there to be a difference in your life, want everything to stay the same. They fear that someone else come up with ideas different from yours because you are afraid of change, and this makes them act in a bad way against those who are different.
Tolerator's Profile
These people think that they can all be different. Do not avoid being different but not adapt to change and difference. That's like you do your thing I'll take care of mine.
Are very close but fail completely to the synergy they see the difference as impediments, and not something that will make you better.
Are very close but fail completely to the synergy they see the difference as impediments, and not something that will make you better.
Celebrator's Profile
These are those who see the difference and adapt to it and change. They are people who enjoy and celebrate difference. They learned that two completely different people can achieve more than two people think alike. This does not mean they agree with the difference but the value.
(Action Plan)
How to solve a problem or stop an argument :
- Define the problem or opportunity
- Their way
( seek first to understand the ideas of others )
- My way
( seek to be understood by sharing your ideas )
- Brainstorm
( create new options and ideas )
- High Way
( find the best solution )
Personal Opinion
We think is really important to work together because it gives us more ideas we have and share with others and thus get better results as we work. It is also important to respect differences in physical characteristics, dress, language, wealth, family, and so on, we have with other people and so we will be better people every day.
How to solve a problem or stop an argument :
- Define the problem or opportunity
- Their way
( seek first to understand the ideas of others )
- My way
( seek to be understood by sharing your ideas )
- Brainstorm
( create new options and ideas )
- High Way
( find the best solution )
Personal Opinion
We think is really important to work together because it gives us more ideas we have and share with others and thus get better results as we work. It is also important to respect differences in physical characteristics, dress, language, wealth, family, and so on, we have with other people and so we will be better people every day.
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